April 15 is the day each year when Americans are most likely to slander Washington. Unfortunately, the city’s nebulous nomenclature deters citizens from recognizing exactly how well their elected leaders serve them.
To bridge the gap between the nation’s capital and the American people, here is Washingtonese translated into the vernacular:
Principled — profitably pliable with pious pretenses
Historic — different than last week
Unprecedented — different than last month
Emergency — the gift that keeps giving
Transparency — a pledge ritually made in lieu of full disclosure
Inspector general — honorary figureheads placed over federal agencies to foster the illusion that nothing can go amiss
Laissez-faire — any economic relationship not yet under complete federal control
Truth — whatever people will swallow
Majestic — whatever people bow to
Legacy — any political boast that survives more than three 24-hour news cycles
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